I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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