If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
