this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
