Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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