I CAN MOONWALK!
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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