so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Randomize
