Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
