I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
