he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
