nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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