Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
