if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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