I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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