Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
