I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
