so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
