I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
