My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
