I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
