I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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