My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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