i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
