Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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