but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
