there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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