I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I want to fling myself into the sun
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
