her vagine was all disorganized.
that's an acceptable place to lick
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
