I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
