God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
