areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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