Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
