I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
