i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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