Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
