Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
