I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
