We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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