I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
