if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
