Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
