i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
