my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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