glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
