If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
