Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
