Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
