a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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