Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
