I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
