Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
