Porn is love you can see.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
don't judge my taste in strippers
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
