I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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