He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
